Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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