Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
someone owes me an orgasm
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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