Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
This is my gift to your gina
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
