Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
