no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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