my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
