omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
