Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
