i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
