I murdered the dance floor call the cops
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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