i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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