I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
