If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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