Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
