I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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