my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
