I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize