my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
