Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
