how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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