32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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