please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
