I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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