dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize