Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
