I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
