he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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