I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
