I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
My feet surprised me
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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