I wish I could teleport
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
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