I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I fill condoms, not promises.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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