oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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