I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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