would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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