and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
