It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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