i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
she told me i tasted like america
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
