A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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