I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
