you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
