So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
