I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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