Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Randomize
