grandma shit on top of the toilet
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize