If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
