I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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