Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
