seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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