oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
