Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
