gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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