I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
