You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i will never coherently bang her
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
