im drinking this country out of the recession.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
It's never too late to be topless.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
