My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
