Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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