Your face is a jimmy john
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
